A Damsel in Distress

“At last, the contest

Razorbabies die to win

Each Fall – hoarding nuts.”

This year's exciting new  “Caption This” contest – different and challenging, Razorbabies! 

Capture Mike Huckabee in your own award-winning Huckabee Haiku!

The winner with the WOWiest Huckabee Haiku – adjudicated by the Arkansas Times’ crack Staff (plus an actual Judge!) – takes home the cherished “Norma Bates Plaque of Excellence” or whatever.

A-T Blogger CammackLife won the priceless rare-wood and brass plaque heirloom (personally signed by me) for last year’s “Caption This” contest – the only human being on the planet so honored!

Will it be YOU in 2009? 

“Huckabee Haiku” rules are simple. (If you don’t know how to create a Haiku, go here.) 

Enter as often as you like! Tell your friends around the country! They can register on the blog for free, contribute their Haikus and vote too (early and often)!

Deadline is November 31 or 30 or whatever.

The A-T staff – plus actual Judge – will select the Top 5 haikus.

Then YOU, Razorbabies, will vote the Winner in early December!

I (left – candidly captured by Jason Masters on my way into Wal-Mart) will award your prize!

Yes, I personally contacted Mike (very very dear, very very old friend and former Baptist minister) to ask if he was down with the "Huckabee Haiku" contest.

He chortled.

"Sure! I just hope they don't crucify me or whatever."

May the best Huckabee Haiku win!

__________________________

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I not only can’t stop the music, I can’t swallow this homoerotic Republican two-step.

“Blanching With the Stars” is bad enough, but wrapping my mind around the “ageless” butchness that is Mike Huckabee’s campaign-trail buttboy – Chuck Norris – well, I had to call MEMS and check into Bridgeway. Because . . .

Wasn’t this supposed to be “butch” in the 70s? The faded denim? The stare? The unbuttoned shirt? The cap pistols? The basket? (No straight woman would've fallen for this look for five seconds, it's so insecure.)

Just asking, ‘cause I came along a little later – when “YMCA” was just an innocent disco hit and not code for a gay orgy of horny young Christian men got up in cowboys-and-indians drag hooking up in cheap hostels around the country.

Conflating Village People masculine iconography with Presidential elections rubs me the wrong way, so to speak.

Yet, there’s THIS.

A failed southern Baptist minister / governor presidential candidate making goo-goo eyes with a forgotten former B-movie action “star” duoing “Love Me Tender?”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Razorbabies.

Janet? You and the kids up for an ex-gay intervention?

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We get it, Blinc, my darling. And no doubt Doctor (Dinc, to intimates on the circuit) loves the new you.

But too much has been leaked too fast after too long, about you, and this reads too little, too late, too de$perate. (We know your coffers are bulging but we didn't envision this.)

It works, in a sort of Bob-Mackie-meets-Julie-Andrews-in-a-Galaxy-Far-Far-Away way. Especially the stage makeup and lightened do.

Still, Blinc, I would personally sue my political consulting team for refunds of taxpayer monies on this ill-advised ploy. It ranks up there with Sarah Palin naming all her men after Tonka Toys.

Yet there IS one way out and you can thank ME for it.

Claim you’re dyslexic and thought Halloween fell on October 13^th.

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Here’s Nobel Prize Winning President Barack Obama (offspring of an interracial marriage that was illegal, for “traditional” “religious” bigotry, in mostly southern states when he was born), addressing the Human Rights Campaign yesterday in 2009, on minority (LGBT) equality in America.

Yep. He’s alone up there. DOMA, DADT? Be patient, Razorgaybies. You, your families, your friends, your mates, shall overcome . . . "some"-fucking-day.

The Nobel Prize Winning President’s “reason” for not lifting a finger on his hollow campaign promises to LGBT Americans? More of this:

WHY (it turns out after his election) does Obama NOT support gay equality? “As a matter of Christian principle, he has said,” quoth the NYT.

_________

“Welcome to Wal-Mart. Burquas? Aisle 4, honey.”

_________

Look. I’m glad it’s Obama instead of Bush / Cheney redux too.

Maybe Obama’s got a secret plot to let Republicans hang themselves as the Obstructionist Party and the Party of No during the first half of Obama’s administration. Let them show their cards by offering NO solutions on every issue: just bratty (dangerously well-armed and Godly-motivated, but still bratty) nihilism.

Maybe that’s Obama’s subtle, sober, plan all along. Once the Republican Party bottoms-out and the loving American Family intervenes to enroll them in a long-term 12-Step lockdown at Betty Ford, Democrats will demonstrate actual leadership and DO something. ACHIEVE something. Like Social Security and Medicare and the Civil Rights Act in days of yore.

Until that day when Obama’s and the Democrats’ brilliant secret scheme is finally unleashed, thereby regaining America’s crowned position as Leader of the (Truly) Free World, there’s always this:

Call it woman’s intuition, but I’m all hinky about Obama and the Democrats. There’s a bad joke in here somewhere involving hot-air, balloons, pilots and “Blow Me,” but I’m not going there.

Because equality for all adult Americans, free from state-sponsored religious bigotry, regardless of which party’s administration is in charge, is no joke.

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Maybe I was going too fast at night, or all deers look alike.



Wait a minute. I'm flashing back to "Bambi." Mommy deers don't have antlers, right? (I'm a city girl. Don't know from antlers.) So this CAN'T be Blanche, right?

Anyhoo, as both driver and voter, I swerved at the last minute from whichever look-alike deer it was and only ran over a blue dog that suddenly leaped into the otherwise empty oncoming lane.

I stopped to see if I could save it, but it turned out to be a metaphor for rabid reality.

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A bizzy buzzy whiplash whirlwind week in The Rock, Razorbabies!

Parties, clubbing, live music, Sticky’s, Whitewater, weddings and receptions at Next Level, Jam Night and Ramona at the Afterthought, In Demand at Jazzy’s, fall frocks UPSing to Chenal from my recent Manhattan shopping jaunt . . . a shame the LGBTs have ruined Sunday with their inclement immoral gay weather (thanks for the heavenly tip, Rev. Falwell) but at least it’s not a gay hurricane or tornado or earthquake this time.

So I’m confined to my library where I’ve started Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” on Stanza on my iPhone, growing more philosophical and melancholy with each chapter, till finally, logically, I come to ponder our politicians and representatives.

Is THAT a segué for your ass, Razorbabies? Frankenstein to Functionaries?

What is the POINT of elected Razorbaby Representatives in The Rock or DC?

1. To LEAD Arkansas – by their intelligence, education, commitment, investment and compassion – OUT of Last Place in Nearly Everything except obesity, divorce, education, health, bigotry, good-ol’-boy corruption and tacky fashion and grooming decisions?

(I, as one woman, albeit multi-lingual, educated stateside and abroad, globally-trotted and inherently fabulous, can only do so much.)

2. Or are our Razorbaby Representatives elected to suck and sock away as much as they can, as long as they can, from special interest lobbyists to preserve Arkansas’ bottom-of-the-barrel do-nothing form-another-study-committee comfort zone by pandering to, uh . . . obesity, divorce, education, health, bigotry, good-ol’-boy corruption, tawdry fashion / grooming decisions and our perennial image as “Red Carpet” Rubes no matter the occasion?

Re-election (preserving the status quo), instead of Leadership (improving the status quo), seems today’s targeted political skillset.

They’re all nice people, our Representatives. I’m all country-club-cocktail-clinky with them. Some more clinky than others.

But name ‘em. Name the biggies. First names that come to mind.

ANY of ‘em Leaders? Appealing to our better standards? Lifting Arkansas out of its historic rank? ANY of ‘em showing us the way – as opposed to polls and lobbyists showing THEM the way?

Uh . . . uh-uh.

Really, what’s the point?

When even our elected “leaders” (in Arkansas and around the country) are owned by corporate conglomerate lobbyists? America’s political and international climate looks bleak.

“We ALL niggaz NOW!” as a dear black girlfriend once blurted out on line in front of 50 sullenly waiting customers at the Sunset and Vine B of A, god love her.

That's the point.

EVERYBODY's owned now.

Or maybe it’s just temporary. Today’s bitchy uppity inclement LGBT weather.

Maybe tomorrow it'll be sunny again. America will rise from 37^th in global health care (with universal insurance, equal civil rights for ALL Americans) and President Obama will help restore the United States' position as Leader of the Free World.

Maybe.

But I’ve gotta tell you: you learn in Psych 101 that when words don’t match actions you’re dealing with a liar. Actions do indeed speak louder than words.

Gets harder, every fund-raiser, to clink cocktails and look our Razorbaby Reps in the eye with my hopefully disguised excruciatingly charismatic contempt.

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It’s not what I thought either, thank god. Because THAT would’ve twisted human religious history into a Kabbalah-Catholic Mobius Strip bigger than “The DaVinci Code!”

But no. It’s just another 51-year-old cougar rock star retaining fabulous trainers, nutritionists and surgeons to help her snag . . . well . . . Baby Jesus half her age.

Can you BLAME her?

We’re talking Jesus Luz here. The male model. NOT the Son of God.

STOP! Razorbabies. It’s working for Demi and Ashton . . . and HER trainers, nutritionists and surgeons.

Love finds a way.

Nobody ever said Jesus came cheap.

Of course, Demi's career's sorta petered out (you should forgive the expression) since Ashton so we wish Madonna and Jesus all the best.

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Durango, Durango. Yours is not the first request I’ve received, as an internationally renowned stylist, to suggest makeover tips for Senator Blanche Lincoln.

(I’ve been contacted officially AND privately by staff – Elizabeth, Katie, Brandon, Stan and Meg – and family and friends. At this moment, they’re trying to work out how to bury my fee in “highway improvements” for Phillips County or something.)

My heart has always gone out to Blinc, as intimates know her, because it’s all so simple! Yes, first impressions are important. Public appearances are crucial to politicians. But it’s basically a two-pronged approach, and I mean “prong” in a nice way.

Grooming and wardrobe. That’s it.

Blinc’s wardrobe is fine for an Arkansas politician. Clean, tailored, self-effacing, dull. Yes, she looks better in pastels than in primaries, and washes out in blacks and browns, which she should eschew. But her wardrobe is “timeless” (meaning she could’ve bought it at Penney’s 20 years ago or yesterday at Target). Safe.

No, Blinc, your Image Impasse is Grooming. Hair and makeup, specifically.

RULE #1: NEVER leave home for ANYWHERE looking like THIS.

Elections and re-elections are all about appearances, Blinc, and you are NOT third seed at the Dinah Shore Palm Springs Golf Classic nor Billie Jean King’s new BFF at the Los Angeles Women’s Tennis Tournament, if you’re keeping up with me here.

You’ve beautiful classic bone-structure that could benefit from a simple 5-minute “softening” makeup regimen from your Mary Kay rep (imagine the rural appeal of THAT!) and a lighter more feminine coif.

Yes, the hair’s more feathery yet not so au courant you’re suspected of thinking you’re BETTER than we. It too is “timeless” since it was new 30 years ago and is still fashionably southern in the circles you run in.

It’s only a beginning, Blinc. And I know you hate makeup and beauty salons.

So let me put it this way: Five minutes a day “The Mary Kay Way” and something other than a Cleveland Browns practice-helmet for a “hairstyle,” your con$tituent$ will keep you in office in perpetuity.

You're welcome.

P.S. Your political integrity is entirely up to you.

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It seems every time I turn around there are all these socialist homosexuals!

I thought they were supposed to be just 5% of the country!

I can’t THINK about anything other than full flaming socialist same-sex equality and marriage! Global warming? Health insurance reform? The economy? Phony wars? Not when there’s a socialist gay takeover!

Thank god Rep. Steve King (R-IA, the Corn Cob State: not to suggest early molestation by a rural man of the cloth) finally confronted the elephant in the living room!

“Not only is it [homosexual equality] a radical social idea, it is a purely socialist concept in the final analysis,” claims King.

It’s all so frighteningly OBVIOUS when you look back on history and the evolution of same-sex socialism, Razorbabies! Use your gaydar!

I happen to be in Manhattan at the moment and today a dear friend at lunch referred with impeccable logic to the GOP as the “Gay-O’-Phobe party.”

HERE’S the brief yet FULL analysis of Rep. King’s position.

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My god! WEEKS ago, when I first began sharing this drivel here for my dedicated Razorbabies, I thought, "This damsel’s diatribes of distress will be infrequent." But no, dammit.

Every week, every day, every time you turn around it seems: nasty right-wing “values” politicians crawl out of the woodwork for 15 minutes of fame.

It’s like watching “District 9” every day all day, only you’re not sure whether Americans identify with the humans or the aliens anymore!

The Republican Party has become unrecognizable. And it’s a shame, really, if you saw Sam Tanenhaus speak on his book, “The Death of Conservatism” (2009) and take questions, at the Clinton Center’s Sturgis Hall last Thursday over lunch (but you didn’t so I did FOR you. Just the way I am. A vintage Pucci print, Manahlo Blahnik pumps and a six-inch Subway tuna combo. Thank you for asking.)

Sam reminded us what Conservatism USED to mean in America. And how it’s been seized by the religious right (whose perspective Sam ALSO understands and respects, which pissed me off because he made me think) and what that portends. But Sam’s Jewish and editor of the New York Times Review of Books and a Yankee, so, you know: see ya, Sam. Hope you enjoyed the River Market.

But Sam was SO right!

It’s All Values (code for fundamentalist Christian), All Anti-Women, All Anti-Same-Sex-Equality, All Racist, All Theocracy, Razorbabies, All The Time!

Like Islam and the Middle East! Land of Milk and Honey and Islamic Suicide Bombers. Coming soon to your Multiplex!

Just in the last few days we’ve had the spokesman for the Family Policy Center in Iowa (video below) declare that only fertile heterosexual couples should consider marriage (elderly, gay, infertile – why would you even BOTHER getting married?); Carrie Prejean, failed beauty bimbo pimping her Miss-USA-pageant-sponsored $10K tit-implants for Christ and speaking for God (who TOLD her she was chosen to stand up for her right to deny other people their rights); and ever-plumper Mike Huckabee who, though clearly losing his Battle of the Bulge, won a straw poll at the Family Research Council’s “Values Voter Summit.”

All Values (fundamentalist Christian), All Anti-Women, All Anti-Same-Sex-Equality, All Racist, All Talking, All Singing, All Dancing, All Scamming, All Theocracy, Razorbabies! Like Islam and the Middle East! All The Time!

All anti-health-insurance reform. All, “I want my country back!”

All That!

Let's see. Fat, ill-educated, isolationist, ignorant, misogynist, homophobic, racist, anti-science, war-mongering, ARMED, religious fundamentalist theocrats.

THAT'S conservatives and today's Republican Party? Exploiting the WORST elements in America's peoples? Yep.

I swear, Razorbabies, it’s enough to make one want to seek natural herbs for relief from Life’s sometimes o’erwhelming existential stress.

So I bonged a banana and here’s IFPC spokesman John Stewart slipping it in there about why would you want to get married if you can’t make babies for “the cause” (namely Christian Soldiers onward Goose-Stepping through Gethsemane)?

White babies. Fundamentalist Christian babies. The only REAL Americans.

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uggests former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee is a favorite among religious conservatives to be president in 2012.

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South Carolina’s Lt. Governor, Andre Bauer, is not gay. He brought up how not gay he is back in June, though nobody had asked. Here it is September and he’s more not gay than ever.

Bauer’s a 40 year old bachelor who’s always run an anti-gay Christian right “pro-family values” campaign. He wants Mark Sanford’s Governor gig ever since Mark cheated on Jenny and his four boys by flying to Argentina on the taxpayers’ dime to pork his pampas poon “soul mate,” Maria Belen Chapur.

Unhappily for Bauer, on August 31 BlogActive’s Mike Rogers, with a 100% accurate record outing closeted gay politicians running anti-gay Christian campaigns, outed Andre Bauer here.

“Spot the Gay,” as Razorbabies know, is Central Arkansas’ favorite monthly pasttime with every issue of “Inviting Arkansas” and “Soirée.”

Does Andre Bauer look gay to you?

Well, he’s NOT, we’re assured today by Republican state senator Jake Knotts on CNN.

"I have known Andre since he was 8 years old. Ain't a homosexual bone in his body. That boy is a good boy. It's just an attempt to prevent Andre from becoming governor."

So there.

Got gaydar, Razorbabies?

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Ernie Unpronounceable, mon cheri, as an international style consultant I CANNOT let this slide. Now that Arkansas pays $100K more than you made in South Carolina ($320K! Well done, Ernie!), please get dressed.

“My goal is to make sure this lottery is run with the highest degree of integrity, to make sure that this lottery is not injurious to the people of Arkansas.” (Uh, we hadn’t thought it would be, Ern, but thanks for bringing that up, we guess.)

Whipping up lottery frenzy is admirable, but your Powerball helmet and tie reek good ol’ boy desperation. Yes, they’re thematically as one with your lumpy K-Mart schmatta and cute vanity license-plate – PWRBALLZ – but still.

If your idea of integrity is dressing like a pledge-class president organizing a fraternity kegger, or one of the Three Stooges, you need a consultant. You need me.

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If anything, Razorbabies, my mission and motto is Be All You Can Be!

With age, some start doubting their capacity to “make a difference” in the world.

Yet stories like that of Harold Schlumberg and other remarkable seniors remind and inspire us that it’s never too late to tackle life’s challenges head-on.

"I've often been asked,” says Schlumberg, ‘What do you older folks do now that you're retired'? Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."

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Can it be that it was all so simple then?
 
Or has time re-written every line?

If we had the chance to do it all again

Tell me, would we? could we?





Hell NO we wouldn't.

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"I'm a hundred. I can do any fucking thing I want."

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