Do you get pro trick-or-treaters in your neighborhood? Young teens with bulging backpacks full of candy who’ve been windsprinting through ‘hood after ‘hood to scoop up candy with all the efficiency of a Russian trawler? We had them. Hard-looking kids disappointed at getting only three Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups each. We had our killer French bulldog, Fifi, at the ready to love any malefactors to death.

Oh well.

In honor of Halloween, a two-day-early dose of Lancasterian genius in his annual spooky entry. What if Dick Cheney came to YOUR door with a shotgun?