1) U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) once again went viral for all the wrong reasons over something he said in a recent Arkansas Democrat-Gazette news story. What was Cotton’s offending brainfart?
- A) Cake donuts are better than glazed donuts.
- B) Cardi B’s “WAP” video would have been better if it had starred a digitally resurrected version of late British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
- C) After an evening spent watching QAnon videos on YouTube, Cotton argued in favor of sending in troops to quell the interdimensional reptilian pedophile hordes that are helping George Soros’ bionically enhanced clone take over American pizza parlors.
- D) Cotton reminded us that chattel slavery of human beings “was the necessary evil upon which the Union was built.”
2) Speaking of crazy ideas, the University of Arkansas sent out a letter to Razorback ticket holders in July informing them of precautions the UA planned to take to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus during home football games. Which of the following is one of the steps they planned to take?
- A) Once per quarter, UA cheerleaders will hose the crowd down with a 30 percent bleach solution pumped from a large tanker truck parked on the sideline.
- B) Each season ticket holder will be safely encased inside a human-sized hamster ball for the duration of the game.
- C) Instead of beer, concession stands will serve shots of 190-proof pure grain alcohol, which officials hope will sterilize the breath of imbibers.
- D) To promote social distancing, only 16,000-17,000 fans will be allowed into 76,412-seat Reynolds Razorback Stadium.
3) It looks like a plan to install a gaudy, 18-acre outlet of the Topgolf sports bars chain on publicly owned parkland once occupied by War Memorial Golf Course in Little Rock is off. What put the plan on hold?
- A) Someone realized that building “golf entertainment” in a city with so few golfers that a golf course closed due to lack of business might not be the best idea.
- B) Surveys by Topgolf showed that Little Rock just isn’t home to enough well-off narcissists to support “Chuck E. Cheese, But Golf-Related.”
- C) Construction was halted after excavations on the old golf course revealed the unmarked, beer-can-filled grave of pro golfer John Daly’s first caddie, Jabbo “Dimples” Robina.
- D) The city’s request for proposals to build a “golf entertainment” venue on the land attracted zero bids.
4) There’s been a flare-up of political drama in the tiny town of Alpena, population 390. What was the hubbub?
- A) Dr. Charles Woofsworth Jr., a 3-year-old English bulldog, was recently elected to the city board on a platform of lower taxes and free tummy rubs.
- B) Following the death of 89-year-old City Clerk Agnes Pecker, it was discovered that nobody knows where she hid the keys to Alpena’s lone road grader.
- C) The city board instituted a 3-mile-per-hour speed limit that applies solely to “any sumbitch who ain’t frum (sic) here.”
- D) It turns out that Theron McCammond, who was elected mayor of Alpena in 2018, was never really mayor because his house actually stands just outside the city limits.
5) There was a rare spot of good news for Newton County after a buyer was finally found for the dilapidated, 400-acre former Dogpatch amusement park, which closed in 1993. Who was the buyer?
- A) [Name redacted due to extreme wealth and political connections].
- B) Abner “Lil’ Abner” Yokum, who prospered in male-enhancement pills after leaving the comic strip over a contract dispute in 1973.
- C) Not the Ku Klux Klan, thankfully.
- D) Billionaire Bass Pro Shops founder Johnny Morris.
6) A recent incident left a 37-year-old man with a head wound after, he said, he was attacked at a hotel on West Markham in Little Rock. Which of the following is a real detail from the account the man gave to police?
- A) He told police that while staying at the hotel, he had been approached by a woman who he knew only as “Dirty.”
- B) After accepting Dirty’s offer to stay the night in his hotel room, the victim told police, he also allowed her friend “Charlton” in so he could use the restroom.
- C) After using the restroom, Charlton allegedly emerged from the bathroom with the toilet seat lid, which he used to whack the victim twice in the head before robbing him of $600 and a cell phone.
- D) All of the above.
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D, D