1) Recently, the Arkansas State Library sent out a bulletin to libraries across the state, advising them to be on alert. What was the Arkansas State Library warning Arkansas libraries about?
- A) If they find people sleeping in their libraries, they’re probably just people trying to escape from their families for one moment of gatdamn peace after a year in quarantine.
- B) A recent, statewide infestation of ravenous Lesser Spotted Book Weevil.
- C) Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) may come in wearing dark sunglasses and a fake Duck Dynasty beard to check out books on ballet training for middle-aged men. Just pretend not to recognize him.
- D) They told libraries to keep an eye on their holdings of six Dr. Seuss books that were recently removed from publication by the author’s estate because of racist images because now that they’re no longer being published, they’re more valuable and may be targets of theft.
2) In more consequential news, Kevin Hamilton Jr., 40, was taken into custody by police in mid-March in the shooting death of Brian Britt, 47, of Conway. What, according to investigators, was very odd about where the shooting of Britt allegedly happened?
- A) It happened inside a public library.
- B) It happened in a church.
- C) It happened inside a bookstore.
- D) It apparently happened directly outside the CHI St. Vincent hospital emergency room, with witnesses saying the shooter drove up in a pickup truck, fired several shots — apparently at someone inside the truck — then dumped Britt out in front of the emergency room entrance. Despite the immediate actions of ER doctors and nurses, he died of his wounds.
3) Second time was the charm in March for a bill by Rep. Aaron Pilkington (R-Clarksville) that allows pharmacists in Arkansas to dispense oral birth control without a prescription. What happened when Pilkington tried to get the bill to the governor’s desk the first time in 2019?
- A) It got bogged down in hours of debate over whether birth control pills were invented by country star Loretta Lynn.
- B) Sen. Bob Ballinger (R-Berryville) had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency stomach pumping after he ate a whole pack of birth control pills “to see what they tasted like.”
- C) There were chuckles and “huh-huh-huh … he said oral” from the House chamber every time Pilkington said “oral birth control.”
- D) It died in the Senate after the House passed it 54-29, but only after some House legislators spoke up from the year 1955 to argue that giving women free contraception would lead to increased promiscuity.
4) Elliot Stewart, 36, was arrested in a recent fatal stabbing in Forrest City, with police taking Stewart into custody after investigators alleged he fled from the scene and tried to hide in a very unusual place. Where, according to investigators, did Stewart try to evade the long arm of the law?
- A) Inside the weirdly anatomically correct rectum of a large fiberglass bull atop a local Western wear store.
- B) He fled to the Arkansas State Capitol, where he tried to pass himself off as a Republican legislator by acting absolutely as cruelly as possible toward anybody who isn’t a white male.
- C) He was apprehended after arousing suspicion by wearing a mask inside a Walmart store in rural Arkansas, which is quite a rarity from what we’ve seen on our recent visits. #Freedumb?
- D) He allegedly shimmied down the chimney of a nearby house, but was found after the owner of the home called police to report a stranger stuck in their flue.
5) Little Rock is continuing to fight ongoing illegal drag racing in the city with an ordinance that stiffens the penalties for street racing. What’s the new penalty for going 2 Fast 2 Furious in Little Rock?
- A) Head-to-head for pink slips against Little Rock Mayor Frank Scott Jr. at the wheel of his 1,200-horsepower nitro funny car “Mayoral Mayhem.”
- B) Having their car crushed and melted as they watch, with the resulting metal recast into another sculpture of a dog taking a shit for Riverfront Park.
- C) They’ll be sentenced to drive a Toyota Prius for three full years.
- D) Up to a $1,000 fine.
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D