We are young, heartache to heartache, we stand…
Recently I was asked for my advice on how to deal with a friend’s break up and this led me to believe that people are forgetting a little about what love is. You know when you fall in love and it’s all new and fun and wonderful? That’s not love kids, that’s wading in the shallow end, getting accustomed to the temperature. After awhile, you get used to it, it becomes natural and you forget you are getting deeper and deeper and the next thing you know your drowning and looking for a lifeguard.
People, you have to swim! You have to work at it. You can’t expect to do the dead man float through 50 years of marriage. Once you get engaged doesn’t mean you’re finished with the pursuit. If you haven’t even gone through with the ceremony and your already putting it on cruise control, what are you going to do when there are 2 AM feedings and soccer tournaments?
This is what happened recently to one of my friends whose fiancé decided to move out one morning because they had an epiphany about the relationship. So they just took their stuff and left a note. I don’t think so. First of all, if you agree to marry someone, you do not cancel that agreement with a note unless its accompanied by a large amount of cash or it starts “Feature Obituary”. This was a case where one person was moving on with life, hobbies, career and the other wanted to stay where they were, which was apparently about sophomore year of college where it’s 4:20 all day long. One of them wasn’t trying anymore, one of them wanted to stay the same, like it had always been, and not evolve as a couple or as a person. One of them quit working on the relationship, packed their stuff and left to stay the same. In this day and age, both people in any couple have to fight to keep love alive because there are too many distractions, too many people and too many ways to wander astray. Jeez, the Internet alone is killing marriages left and right. You can’t expect to get married and never have to do anything else to keep that person interested. And you can’t expect getting married is going to solidify anything that’s shaky to begin with.
I think this is what wrong in my friend’s case. They thought, “we like each other, but we’ve had a rocky past and some things in our lives don’t mesh, I know, we’ll get married and that will shore up this stuff and we’ll be happy. Wrong, Negative, Do Not Pass Go.
Getting married is one of the more stressful things you do as an adult, especially the first marriage (am I right? uh-huh, you feel me?), so you want Team Couple locked in and ready to rumble when it comes down to game time.. Cold feet start with doubts in the heart that should have been addressed somewhere between moving in together and picking out china patterns. Don’t rely on some jewelry and a ceremony to create something that isn’t already there.
Now, this is good riddance to some rubbish, in my opinion. This friend of mine has found out long before a ceremony, a reception, a house and a child, that this was not the “one”. Things could have been a lot worse five years down the line. Of course, you can’t say that to them now, because they just see the pool draining and themselves sinking, so they are crying and drinking and chain smoking and crying and yelling, etc. So you buy them a beer, give them a light, open your ears and chauffer them home until the pain passes and the knowledge starts catching up and their feet land on the bottom and they can stand up.
Watch yourselves in the pool kids, Mr. Ricky can only jump in and save so many of you.
Confidentially, Love Hurts – Mr. Ricky