Ahhh! After driving in on I40 this morning I was amazed at the level of idiocy and disregard for the safety of one’s fellow traveler.  First, I got on the interstate, with my blinker on, at a high rate of speed to merge and someone in a WHITE FORD MUSTANG circa 2005, sped up to get in front of me.  There was no one in the left lane, why didn’t they just get over?  Damn them, damn them to hell!


So after getting on the interstate, I get in the left lane, going 80 mph, I know, breaking the law! breaking the law!  Yet, there are people on my butt the entire time and while I would love to get in the right lane and allow the F150 scraping the paint off my bumper to pass, there’s a freaking DUMP TRUCK FULL OF LOOSE GRAVEL pummeling down the interstate at a whopping 60 MPH and tossing small pebbles of windshield disaster!  What happened to the law they were trying to pass about those types of loads having to be covered?  I’m going to look into that….



Needless to say, I had to wait until I could get around the dump truck before getting out Built Ford Tough’s way so he wouldn’t be late to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes in front of the work site with the boys, are construction guys ever late?  So while still at 80, I come up on a group of cars doing the speed limit (I know, the nerve) and get back in the left lane, i.e. the fast track to death.  Now, I like to keep at least a car link between myself and the dude or dudette in front of me so when they slam on their brakes because they’re in the back seat of the car in front of them, I have time not to end up acquainted with them on the side of the road swapping addresses.




It is not there so you can force, squeeze, half-merge, poll-position or otherwise risk the lives of everyone around you so you can make it to your destination 17 seconds sooner.  All you right-to-left-to-right-to left lane-switching douche bags out there take that to heart.  This mornings particular suspended license driver was a woman, in a forest green, four door Saturn, probably late 90’s/ early 2000’s model… ahh!, I wish I could remember her license plate… anyway, she WAS PUTTING ON MASCARRA WHILE DRIVING AT 80+MPH!  I dislike you as much as possible!  I dislike you as much as possible! I dislike you as much as possible! I dislike you as much as possible!



Why, ladies, why do you do this?!  Someone tell me why you can’t take the two minutes to put it on when you are already late or two minutes in the parking lot whence you have arrived at the destination to do this?  The same for lipstick, blush, eyeliner, lip liner, powder, hairspray, hair brushing, roller removal and clothes changing!  WHY?!  I want a valid answer, now!  What is the malfunction?  Who is teaching you in your adolescence this is okay?  That this isn’t dangerous?  That staring into the rear view mirror to make sure your lashes are long and luscious for the computer screen while glancing every once in a while and SLOWING DOWN after merging in front of someone from the right lane, narrowly escaping slamming into the car ahead and beside you and whisking back into the right lane to pass someone, all while wielding the wheel with one arm wrapped around it while holding the mascara container in one hand and using the other to apply something to the area around YOUR EYES, while driving on a bumpy interstate?  Does make-up make you stupid?


And there will be none of this, “you don’t know how long it takes to get ready in the morning” whine, whine, whine crap.  There is no law you have to wear make-up.  If you are required to wear it to work, I want to know where you work and if it isn’t a gentlemen’s club, a casino or a modeling gig, you can sue for sexual harassment more than likely.  I’ve done my share of theater, I’ve put on all the stuff before and there is no reason one should ever do it while operating a motor vehicle.  I think this should an offense that you get ticketed for and that one could call 311 about.  Ridiculous.  I’m going to be maimed because you needed to put on some more sparkly eye shadow.  AHHHHHHHHH!


[ps:  the above applies to men as well, especially those who electric or NON-ELECTRIC SHAVE while driving…retarded.]


Once the Cover Girl had exited, thank the Lord, I get on the bridge over the Arkansas River and there’s a carpet van with a roll of carpet hanging out the back, no red flag to show you how long it is, that is scraping on the road, kicking stuff up on my car.  [sigh] I retreat to another lane, oh, great, someone going, and I know because I had to slow down to this speed until my exit as I was passed by what looked to be a “Superman Big Wheel” at one point,  39 MPH, on the interstate, pulling a trailer they fashioned out of the back end of a 70’s Chevy truck, some angle iron, chicken wire and duck tape.  Had my cell phone been handy, I would have called the non-emergency line and been like, for reals, this is retarded, they need to get off the interstate.  No trailer tag, mind you, no working lights of any kind, full of Sanford and Son junk.  IT’S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR THIS!



Finally in the metro-area and traveling down Cantrell, I’m thinking, another gauntlet navigated, when, of course, someone comes flying out of the Mississippi Harvest Foods parking lot after getting their Starbucks, never mind the traffic barreling down the street at them; they shoot in front of me, swerve halfway into the left lane and realize there’s a Coke truck occupying the same space and time; swerve back in front of me within smelling distance of their non-fat, mocachino, and then throw on their turn signal to turn right on the street that the FLIPPIN parking lot is connected to.  WHAT!?  I am displeased with your existence!!!!!!!!!!!!!


People, people, people, gather round, gather round.  Okay, let’s review some rules of the road.


–  you should have a car link before and after you as a safety buffer zone.  you should never invade someone else’s buffer, especially at high rates of speed on the interstate highway.


– DO NOT, and let me repeat that, because it bares repeating, DO NOT, put make up on, fix your hair, shave anything or anyone, read the paper, go over papers, check your text messages or email, or otherwise do activities that make driving the secondary activity while behind the wheel.


– wear your danged seat belts


– cover your load anytime there is something that even remotely can fly out and hit my windshield, or as I saw last fall going to Conway one day, a junk trailer with smashed cars in which the wind got a hold of what looked like half of a hood from an Civic, whipped it up out of the trailer into the right lane and thankfully slid it horizontally over the top of a Ford Taurus traveling about 30 feet behind the trailer.  The piece of metal came to a rest off in the ditch, but had it been at any kind of angle, it would have sliced through the cabin of that Taurus and likely caused a many car pile-up, in which I would have been third in line.  The trailer never slowed down or got off the interstate and I sped around it after about another mile as another piece of hood was waving off the side.  I did call State Police about that one, hopefully someone got a talkin to.


– and also, don’t cover your crap in the bed of your truck with a BLANKET, tied down with, two PIECES OF TWINE, and then roll down the interstate with the BLANKET WAVING IN THE WIND LIKE THE FLAG OF PRESCHOOL, ominously threatening to rip away and cover the windshield of the person stuck behind you.  And don’t pretend you can’t see it whipping around back there and not pull off at the exit to fix it, you @@$%()$))(#(!


– don’t sit trying to make a left into Shotgun Dan’s (for example), during rush hour, for 30 minutes when you don’t have  a left turn lane and you know you aren’t going to be let through.  Just go down and find a light and turn left there and come back to your destination.  WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT THAT?  Then I don’t have to stop and say, yes, in my lane you may pass, but the dude in Sebring doesn’t look like he’s stopping, well now the light is green and I have to go, but the dude in the Camry is going to let you go, but I already pulled up too much so now you are half way through, the light is green, I have to go, I’m sorry, good luck, turn left at a light next time……


-support a national system of light rail so that our roads will be safer and less congested.  We are one of the few industrialized nations without one.  Imagine being able to take high speed train to Memphis or Dallas or a commuter to West Little Rock… no one…I’m the only one?….great…..


That’s it, I can’t type anymore, I’m too [wringing hands] angry at the collective driving etiquette of Central Arkansas to go on.


Confidentially hoping for a subway from my house to work, Mr. Rickey. (caconfidential@gmail.com)