I never thought this would be an issue, but I guess it is, so let me clear this up: please don’t talk on your cellphone in a public bathroom. Wait, let me preface this by saying:Don’t Talk on a Phone To Anyone While Using the Bathroom.Now, I know you married/engage/going steady/in “stupid love”couples do this all the time when you’re at home and it’s gross, seriouslybut if it’s like just a friend, or an acquaintance or something, no, you don’t talk on the phone while you’re doing your business. Is this really an issue?


Are there people who can justify that their lives are so busy andtheir time so valuable that they can’t be “off-the-grid” while they drop the kids off at the pool? Seriously? I want to hear from you if you have to speak to people on the phone while on throne.Let me preface my preface statement, by saying this crude discussion about discussions in the El bano came about because while I was in a PUBLIC bathroom, like not an office building bathroom, but like a place of shopping, heavily traversed restroom area, not only was one person in a stall, taking care of business, but was also, in a voice far too loud for use in the bathroom, speaking with someone in what sounded like Mandarin Chinese. Perhaps things are different in other countries, I haven’t found much difference in other countries that I’ve gone to with this particular feeling, but I thought here in the U.S., we all pretty much felt like the bathroom was a place where we didn’t need to be contacted. First, I don’t want to be talking to someone and some sound, either from me or the stall next to me, reverberate in the background. How do you explain that, assuming didn’t start your conversation off with “Hey, how’s it going, I’m calling you from the crapper.” Plus there’s the paper rolling off the huge wagon wheel roll of tissue; there’s the industrial, jet engine flush, not to mention the many grunts, moans, ‘ga-geezes”(I laughed out loud when I heard that a few years Back),ummphs and other exclamations made by the creme-dela-creme of society next to you.

BEWARE TANGENT: Why, why, why guys? Why do we need to make ridiculous vocalizations while we’re in there. Like other people in there don’t know what you are in there doing or that your are “relieved” to have done it. That’s what everyone (we hope) is in there doing, relieving themselves. There is no need to sound like it’s the fifth set final at Wimbeldon to prove to us how much you had to go or how much effort it is taking to do so. This is one place where competition is not a priority unless there’s a keg a toga theme awaiting you outside those doors. Sweet Lord, try doing some breathing exercises if you are having that much anguish during your private time.  Okay, back to the original point I was trying to make, no phones on the throne! Seriously, that’s gross, I don’t want to talk to you while you’re doing your thing. Excuse yourself and call me back, it’s okay. And if talking while sitting down is bad, what I just witnessed a mere ten minutes ago, is ridiculous. Some dude, about 30ish, walks into the restroom on the phone while I’m going to wash my hands. First off, whence you enter the restroom, the phone goes in the pocket, in it goes, you need to focus up. Second, he walks up, checks his hair and stuff, yapping away about something being in some drawer as I lather and try not think of all the many ways he is a total douche bag at that moment. Finally he heads to the urinals, still talking mind you, loud and echoing through the entire room so as to cause our Chinese friend to talk even louder, Sweet Lord, where are the hand towels?So as I get some hand towels and walk out, I see this guy, leaned up on the partition of one of the urinals, cradling the phone betwixt his head and shoulder while presumably trying to aim and not drizzle. And that is the first time I’ve seen that one in real life.  Apparently I’m just too conservative or something, but call me crazy (YOU’RE CRAZY!) the phone is not meant to be used at that most crucial of daily function times. Other times include, but are not limited to:


Anytime you are eating with another person or in a setting in which your conversation would be deemed “annoying as hell” to other diners.

Anytime you are getting your “freak on”. Let me go to your voicemail, it can wait.


Anytime you are in a conversation with another person. Period. It’s rude to take a call in middle of someone’s story about how their aunt died in a cheese grating accident.

Anytime you are engaged in transaction with someone, i.e. ordering, paying for, returning, getting a price check asking for help, etc. at a store, drive through window, so forth and so on. Don’t be an ass. DURING ANY MOVIE, PLAY, LIVE PERFORMANCE in which the sound of your phone ringing and/or you talking  about “meeting up later at DEEP and getting ‘blitzed’, (the kids are using that these days?)” is distracting to those who want to hear the show and not your plans for later that evening.


Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I am, I don’t think so, but maybe I am. I mean, those are just a few suggestions, from Mr. Rickey, confidentially, of course….



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