Here’s some arcana reeking of 2017 that I’m banning from consideration, attention, even out-loud mention in 2018. I’m unfriending all this 2017-reminding shit. It’s dead to me in 2018. It’s history, and being only history, it’s nothing to worry about anymore, not a cause for further concern. As William Faulkner famously said (well, approximately): “The past is kaputski, Dude. Get over it.”
This renunciation is a personal nu yrs resolution now — not trying to persuade anybody else to boycott or endorse anything. Or espouse or eschew or embrace or flee from. Or retweet. Not looking for likes or shares or smileys, nor ES&Ds or GFYs. So here at the ano changeover, check out this ripped-from-the-headlines basket of deplorables and be glad you’ll hear nothing more about any of it. At least from Ol’ Moi you won’t.
Additional sexts of Weiner’s wiener. Sequel demigorgons in the Upside Down. The Bowling Green Massacre. Bizarre Duggar body piercings (as opposed to the customary plentitude of ordinary Duggar body penetrations). Breaches of whatever vital personal data is left that hasn’t already been breached. The Great Antarctic Polynya. Selfie dysmorphia. 3200 Phaethon and 52 other “near earth” asteroids that slid silently by Rock 3 in 2017. Smishing. The old bad cheeseburger emoji (cheese on the bottom). Space-alien bacteria takeover-plotting in secret bunker beakers in Putinia.
“It’s OK to be white.” “The Traveling Butts.” Internet fast-laneing (now with neutrality’s orange cones gone). Fisting (yeah, they really do). LOLWUSS and other too-clever chat acronyms (“laugh out loud, with unintentional snorting sounds”). ‘The jellyfish takeover.” The Babadook. Exact-date doomsday hooey. The anthem-stand-or–kneel foolishness. The Confederate statue stay-or-go nonsense. The trans-banned bathroom freakout (“Get away from that peephole, Huck!”). Adult coloring books. Glowbowl lighted commodes (the purple gives your nether the look of royal decomposition). Newspeak at the CDC. Flashmobs. Airbnb. OGLE-2016-BLG-1190Lb and other maybe habitable exos discovered in 2017 (including Wolf 1061c, LHS 1140b, Ross 128b, and K2-18b et al.) Bulldog tuxedos (at taxpayer expense!) The MJ-12 coverup. Sigils. Dicamba on the pigweed. “Stunning” (when it’s really only mildly surprising). “Devastating” (when it’s only fair-to-middling negatory). iPhone jailbreaking. The Paradise Papers. The Panama Papers. Quark fusion. Getting bowl-eligible (Curly’s Waterloo). Isla Nublar. “Draining the swamp.” Quantum computing. “The sweet catharsis of a good meme.” (?) “Fuck, marry, kill” (Matt Lauer’s favorite office game). Mixed, augmented and virtual realities. WIMPs, SIMPs and MACHOs (O dear, what can dark matter be). Harvey, Irma and Maria (cat 5 ‘canes). nuTonomy. Frenemies. Scromiting. Whitelisting. Covfefe.
Moon over Makemake. Necrotizing fasciitis, caused by either MRSA (methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus) or PVL (Panton-Valentine leukocidin) (they eat your eyes, they eat your nose, they eat the goo between your toes … also your toes… and moving on up … .) “Dress code” as a verb (“Now they want to dress code you for not wearing a bra” — that’s what she said.)
“Enjoy the Go” (what bears do in the woods). Drones (not the bees or boring speakers, and not only Wolf Blitzer, who is called “the Drone With a Beard”). No-drone-zones. 3D printed drones. Also 3D printed self-tying sneakers. “The Miracle of the Marketplace.” “Sketchy” (in the current hip usage, it means … well, not much of anything. Like this next entry.) “Thoughts and prayers.”
Troll storms. “Merry Christmas” (when it’s Foxwhistle). Bump stocks. Nuanced stuff. Optimization. Krack attacks. Frorks. Tom Cruise’s fake butt. Blood coming out of your whatever. “Welcome to your tape.” The 12 new Herbig-Haro Objects in Dark Nebula 673. Fake news. Alternative facts. Bloatware. PewDiePie. Skiggy diners-out parodied in the “Can I getta box?” YouTube video.
Fidget spinners. Grabbing pussies. Zombie Nativity scenes (even the babe). Beachgate (blimpo.gov bogarts Jersey shore). Envelopegate (oopsies at the Oscars). “Plutoshine.” Smash-mouth football. Sock puppet catfishing. Spearphishing. “Boiling the ocean.” Geofencing. Belfies. Youies. Yakshaving. Mullets (still? really?) “The lynch mob media.” Chain migration. “Wet foot, dry foot” (immigration strategy). The Great Jade Massage condom clog. Nanoparticles. The nonword “delish.” The Myers-Briggs personality type. Manga or anime cosplay. “Literally” (which it almost never is). Prank swatting.
The Smell Test (nothing ever passes it). Fat-shaming. Nothingburgers. The thigh gap. Bonespiration. Strawberry smiggles. The Corpse Bride fraud. “Ladylike winter must-haves.” “Get your sidehustle on.” Kamberbay the golden Akhal Teke. Nocturia. Cookie DO (pronounced dough). Store-boughten doggie bone treats. The California Thomas Fire. The moth Neopalpa donaldtrumpi. “Mother of all bombs” (fell on Afghanistan last night). Based (Cucked) Spartan. Christian Reconstructionism (aka Dominionism). Gender-reveal parties.
Protoporgs. Tubshrooms. Blockchain technology. Extragalactic gravitational waves. ‘The Deep State.” Adobe Flash. “Moderate to severe” Crohn’s disease. Tired-mountain syndrome. Doxxing. Asylum in Asgardia. To Bixby the phone. Roy Moore jailbaiting. Hella. Mokillo streaks in the bananas. Mile-high bonks. Baby daddies once removed. Data slurping. The Guy Fieri (a do, as sported by “the most hated celebrity chef of all time”). The Concussion Protocol. The Next-Man-Up Mentality. Unrelenting neutrino bombardment. “Mary Lee” Shark. Game-changers. Pick 6s. Barn weddings. Third-man-in penalties. Scut Farkus (still out there, picking up royalties). The Coral Princess norovirus.
Snowflakes. Three-peats. Horror clowns. “Unite the Right.” Bigly. Dropping the mic. Penny cryptos. Pussy bows. Pussy hats. The Mooch. “Don’t dish on my geek dreams.” (?) Roomba. Cigar-shaped goo-slimed Oumuamua. Truffleupagus. Rothschild adrenochrome. Turkey airdrops (not the country now, the birds, the ones Benj. Franklin wanted as national symbol.) “Hilarious puppy fails.” The Cambrian Moment. Kombucha. The “conversating” emoji. Slender Man. The Burning Man. All the Alt-pricks. Saber-rattling (when the respective rattlers are  a shrimp, and  a dotard).
Dotards. Avocado brownies. “Smashed taters.” Scrunchy do. Swag. Startup unicorns. Go Fund Mes. Opioid constipation. Ghosting, stashing, breadcrumbing (see your dating app). Aplets & Cotlets (redneck rahat lokum). Planet X aka Niburu. Amber Rose’s stick-on bra. Evil-eye shoes. Looking heart-eyes. The Cactus Clothesline. The Mongolian Chop. Sushi wedding cakes. Bubble glamping. Carpool karaoke. Mansplaining. Manalysts. Manspreading. Mancrushes. White privilege. Mushroom coffee. Ghee. “Follow the White Rabbit.” Busting a move or a cap. Dilly dilly. “Live from Here” (lame name, but youngsters all above-average}
Core-values statements (Boo who). Chatbots. “Slurpless ramen forks.” “Another one rides the bus” (the Yankovic alternative to bites the dust). Extreme skateboarding. Pumpkin Spice latte. Composting. Baby bumps (as fashion accessories). Fist bumps. Flying side bumps. Ghost Adventures “unexplained” bumps. Antifa supersoldiers (no such of a thing). “The cocktail effect.” Chandraseknar’s Variational Principle. Uptown funk you up. “The Walking Dead” always backatcha in the morning mirror. The Lizard Squad. Staycations. “Never Have I Even” (and never will). “Freedom checks.” “Casey’s World” (where child killers repair to get away from it all). Fat Leonard and his 60 admirals and all the booze and whores.
MILFs. Uncooked-pasta addicts (on Dr.Phil). “Jingle Bells” as racism. Pool-noodling (not the same as trout-tickling). Beach ball summer-slams. Clickbait. The monkey selfie. Intersectionality. Throwing shade. Easter eggs in the source code. Disambiguation (still hasn’t disambiguated). Cough-syrup blackouts. The Nerd Cave. Unfollowing (which can be but isn’t necessarily the opposite of shadowing). Shadowing. Kilted tennis. Bad microbiomes. Cyber handshaking. The Griffin Warrior. The Marburg virus. Fed-up anchors declaring “Victory over Violence” (like Nixon declaring victory over them Congs). Mariah Carey’s invisible chair. The Maggio wiggles. The Winklevoss twins. The Senate’s nuclear option. Permissionless viral marketing.
VJJ, or vay-jay-jay (anatomically related to certain hats, bows and grabs mentioned elsewhere in this list, but you should avoid this usage if you don’t have one). The Hwasong-15 ICBM threat. Elf on a Shelf. Vaporware. Tailgating (ask your stockbroker). “Proactive” (only slugs and Lancasters [a redundancy] are antiactive). “Cringeworthy” (only means you don’t like it, whatever ‘it’ is). “Spot on” (c’mon, use of this expression just tells the world you’re an asshole.”) “Jaw-dropping” (usu. used to hype something that’s not.). Hoarder maze trails (through their own detritus).
The Venezuelan petro. Mercury turning retrograde. Knights of the Crystal Blade. The slope “Ghost disease.” Lincoln in the Bardo. Kratom-related croaks (from “acute mytragnine intoxication”). Choco the Macho Chihuahua. Cryonax, prince of the Evil Cold. Source D’s dossing of the T-man aromp in the warm yellow Muscovy rain. The triple talaq divorce. Media safaris into Trump Country. El Chapo in jailo. Romphims. Salt lamps. Monkey fingerlings. Feathered eyebrows. The hot interior-design color Millennial Pink (“a grapefruity shade of apricotty salmon”).
Good place to quit, enwrapped here nevertheless persisting in a grapefruity shade of apricotty salmon.