1) The Arkansas Scholarship Lottery recently announced that revenue had dropped by almost $20 million compared to last year. To what do officials attribute the slide?
- A) Somebody started calling the lottery “A Tax on Stupid People” and you know how Republicans hate taxes.
- B) A blockbuster expose from the Merkin Fork Eagle-Tattler-Gazette discovered that the gray, scratchable stuff on scratch-off tickets is made entirely of uranium.
- C) After a successful run of the Monopoly-themed scratch-off ticket, officials found that Monopoly’s iconic, top-hat-wearing greed head Rich Uncle Pennybags had embezzled the funds before absconding in that tiny car.
- D) A decline in sales of tickets for random-draw games like the Powerball Lottery and Arkansas Mega Millions.
2) The Arkansas Court of Appeals recently made what might be considered a surprising decision in the case of a man who was convicted of carrying a weapon after he was found to be partying on Fayetteville’s Dickson Street with a loaded pistol in his pocket. What was the ruling?
- A) That in Arkansas, a handgun can be legally considered an Emotional Support Animal.
- B) That the man was, in fact, a football-coaching Terminator, sent back through time to save fans from another bullshit season.
- C) That the man and another drunk dude had, for reasons that are unclear, swapped pants moments before the arrest, and the handgun wasn’t even his.
- D) The court reversed the man’s conviction, saying that the state didn’t prove that the man intended to actually use the weapon unlawfully.
3) Speaking of Fayetteville, tragedy struck the campus of the University of Arkansas in recent months. What happened?
- A) The Delta Tau Chis gave a horse a heart attack in Dean Wormer’s office.
- B) The “Westworld”-style copy they made of Frank Broyles keeps going crazy and trying to take over Reynolds Razorback Stadium.
- C) Last semester, the Razorback football team’s starting lineup tried to enroll in Introduction to Television 101 but mistakenly got placed in Auditing and Attestation 2203 and liked it so much they’ve sworn off football to pursue degrees in the action-packed field of corporate accounting.
- D) The Spoofer’s Stone — a large block of limestone left over from the construction of Old Main that has since become a beloved campus landmark — was smashed after being run over by construction workers.
4) Maumelle’s South Boulevard restaurant was one of the Central Arkansas eateries featured on Fox’s “24 Hours to Hell and Back,” a show in which world-renowned chef Gordon Ramsay jets in to spruce up the menu, service and decor of struggling restaurants in an attempt to revive their lackluster sales. Things didn’t work out quite as planned, however. What was the issue?
- A) In person, Ramsay is actually 4-foot-3 and really isn’t all that intimidating.
- B) Ramsay’s British accent and restaurant employees’ Arkansas accents created an insurmountable language barrier that could not be overcome.
- C) Coronavirus. Duh.
- D) Despite the changes Ramsay made, the restaurant closed weeks before the show aired.
5) A Little Rock janitor was recently sentenced to three years in prison. According to investigators, what did the sanitation specialist do to warrant the big house?
- A) A teacher at Cloverdale Elementary caught him in the mop closet snorting that mint-smelling stuff they sprinkle on puke.
- B) Assault with a deadly squeegee.
- C) Angry over a pay cut, he mopped the marble floor of a local bank with peanut oil, resulting in madcap antics, three concussions, two broken arms and a dislocated shoulder.
- D) While tidying up the Little Rock FBI Field Office in 2018, investigators said, the man took cellphone pictures of a chart detailing alleged members of a drug trafficking organization and later shared the photos with one of the targets of the probe.
6) Rural Newton County recently entertained ideas for ways to mitigate traffic jams along highways in the picturesque and normally lightly traveled Boxley Valley. What’s causing the traffic jams?
- A) Elaborate Sasquatch mating dances and consummations sometimes block the road for hours.
- B) Springtime sunbathing by legendary local nudist and two-time World’s Hairiest Hippie Dick “Silverback” Pickel.
- C) Massive, drifting clouds of weed smoke are obscuring visibility.
- D) Hundreds of sightseers regularly pull off and park while attempting to view the valley’s large elk herds.
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D, D