1) As a progressive voter, how ready are you to vote in this election?

  1. A) Three miles, hands and knees, over broken crockery, in shorts and an Obama “Hope” T-shirt, to the polling place. Let’s do this.
  2. B) Come with me if you want to live.
  3. C) Is “explodey” a human emotion? Because that’s the only word that describes it. 
  4. D) All of the above.

2) As related in a recent story in the Memphis Commercial Appeal, a company named American Patriot Holdings LLC is trying to raise money to bring something never before seen to Little Rock. What is it working on?

  1. A) A High-T clinic for Trump-lovin’ cavemen whose testosterone is through the roof.
  2. B) An all-robot strip club. 
  3. C) The Crystal Bridges Museum of Distasteful Nudes.
  4. D) A fleet of massive, 585-foot-long, 134-foot-wide, bargelike ships that can haul as many as 2,375 shipping containers worth of goods, with planned stops at cities on the Mississippi and Arkansas rivers.

3) But seriously, how sure are you that you’re registered and ready to go vote on Election Day (if you haven’t already voted by mail)?

  1. A) How sure is Tom Cotton that he wants some muhfuggin’ birthday cake? That’s how sure. 
  2. B) I am insulted that you asked, and demand satisfaction, sir. We duel at dawn in Allsopp Park.
  3. C) Build a machine that can send me to a parallel dimension where it’s possible to be 105 percent positive of something, and I will bring that concept back with me and apply it to this situation.
  4. D) All of the above.

4) Which of the following is the worst Halloween trick-or-treater handout?

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  1. A) Ashtray full of cigarette butts.
  2. B) Ladle of piping-hot gravy.
  3. C) Caramel apple dipped in the vacuum cleaner canister.
  4. D) Bit-O-Honey, the rock-hard dentalwork-remover that tastes like diabetes.

5) Dominique Chu, 24, of Springdale, was arrested recently in what police say was a string of burglaries that targeted a surprising series of victims in Northwest Arkansas. Who did the alleged thief allegedly target?

  1. A) Trump supporters, striking during Fox News’ Sean Hannity show when he knew they would reach maximum zombification.
  2. B) All his former high school teachers.
  3. C) Other thieves.
  4. D) Police officers, who accused Chu of stealing from police cruisers parked outside officers’ homes in Crawford County, Benton County, Bella Vista and West Fork and making off with two department-issue AR-15 rifles, bulletproof vests, a police badge and more.

6) In more consequential news, in September, the Conference on Jewish Material Claims Against Germany announced the results of its U.S. Millennial Holocaust Knowledge and Awareness Survey, which surveyed young people in all 50 states on what they knew about the Holocaust. Which of the following is true of respondents to the survey from Arkansas?

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  1. A) 69 percent didn’t know that 6 million Jews died in the Holocaust.
  2. B) 37 percent believed that fewer than 2 million Jews died in the Holocaust.
  3. C) Both of the above percentages were the highest of any state surveyed.
  4. D) All of the above.

    ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D, D