In late January, in a move that will displease absolutely zero percent of the population, Rep. Justin Harris (R-West Fork) will announce that he and his wife have started the process to legally adopt Josh Duggar and Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway), along with Rapert’s Glock handgun and itchy trigger finger.
In September, Marvin Cheatam, attorney and legal guardian of Little Rock author Charles Portis, will make the shocking announcement that Portis will be following in the footsteps of Harper Lee’s surprise “To Kill a Mockingbird” sequel, “Go Set a Watchman,” by publishing a sequel to “True Grit” called: “Rooster Cogburn Does Some Old West Shit, or, We’ll Take the Money in Banded Stacks of Hunnerts, Coen Bros.”
Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson will titillate no one when he appears as the centerfold for the September issue of Conservative Gray Suit Honeys magazine.
In December, after much community input and discussion, the Arkansas Highway and Transportation Department will settle on a final design for the I-30 bridge and freeway revamp near downtown Little Rock. When the project is completed in August 2017, however, engineers will quickly discover that, due to a misplaced decimal point, the expansion is a “Saw”-style hellscape that eventually drops frustrated drivers to their deaths in either a tank full of genetically engineered supersharks, a pit of used hypodermic needles or a pool of molten sugar, depending on the sins they committed on Earth.
In June, St. Flatus Catholic Church in North Little Rock will be completely destroyed after someone causes a spark by flicking on a faulty light switch during its 5th annual Barbecue Baked Bean Festival and Cook-Off.
In May, U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton will stay true to form when he sends a letter to a despot holding the world hostage with a stolen Russian warhead to inform him that any deal he might cut with the Obama administration to preserve all life on planet Earth as we know it could be negated “by the stroke of a pen” once Obama leaves office. Only later will Cotton be informed that he had actually been watching the 1997 film “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery,” not CNN.
The Little Rock Police Department arrest and conviction rate on Little Rock burglaries will hit a record low of .004 percent in September, leading Police Chief Kenton Buckner to advise law-abiding citizens within the city limits to just go ahead and cut out the middle man by leaving all their worldly possessions at the curb, other than a grass sleeping mat, a crude wooden bowl and spoon, and a simple cotton shift. In October, Little Rock bowl, spoon, sleeping mat and cotton shift thefts will skyrocket by 912 percent.
In April, Little Rock Film Festival founders Brent and Craig Renaud will announce that, bowing to public pressure, they’ve reconsidered their decision to end the festival and will be creating a spin-off featuring a three-day lineup of films about old people sitting on park benches, staring directly into the camera, and complaining bitterly about items they saw on the “The O’Reilly Factor.”
In August, Arkansas Times Senior Editor Max Brantley will hold a press conference at Scott and Markham in Little Rock to reveal the secret he’s kept for 43 years: that he’s actually two very small men, one standing on top of the other’s shoulders, which is why he always wears a trench coat.
In October, after cycling through various hats, visors and windbreakers as good luck charms, Razorback football coach Bret Bielema will decide to give his shower shoes and cut-off T-shirt a whirl. The Razorbacks will finally beat Alabama. Bielema will never wear socks again.