1. Favorite daughter Chelsea Clinton will be returning to the state on April 26 for a very special event. What is it? A) Chili dog eating contest in which the winner will be awarded the title of “Honorary Clinton.” B) Smash-a-Thon XI, a battle royale wrasslin’ match at Barton Coliseum, which will see Chelsea don her father’s old spandex mask and assume Bill’s top secret alter ego, El Politico Diablo. C) A fundraiser for Ballet Arkansas, the company Chelsea danced with before moving to D.C. after her dad was elected. D) Donkey basketball at Smackover High School. Why? Because everything’s more fun with donkeys!
2. On Friday of last week, the University of Arkansas was shocked by word of an accident on campus. What happened? A) A work-study student in the campus radio station was showing off his gat, and shot himself in the hand. B) The Double Secret Probation prohibits us from reporting much, but let’s just say it involves ninth-year sophomore John “Wookie” Clampett, a live turkey, the dean’s Lincoln Continental and a bottle of that brandy with a pear in it. C) Horrible man/jackass hybrid created during teleportation experiments at the school’s Bobby Petrino Quantum Stupidity Labs. D) Hook-handed maniac exploded after simultaneously drinking Coke and eating Pop Rocks. Seriously. I heard it from my roommate’s boyfriend’s friend.
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3. Sisters Gourmet Bistro in Van Buren recently canceled a reservation for a planned fundraiser by the River Valley Equality Center once the owner learned the group works on behalf of gays and lesbians. Who or what did the owner reportedly compare the group to in explaining his reason for canceling the reservation? A) “Them gatdang gay folks from California with their gay stuff, always gaying it up.” B) The cast of “Diff’rent Strokes” C) The 1978 Steelers D) The Ku Klux Klan
4. Washington Monthly recently wrote that trying to talk about reality to Arkansas Congressman Tom Cotton would likely be most akin to … A) “Legionnaire’s Disease.” B) “Staring into the eyes of a goat and expecting to find a glimmer of comprehension.” C) “You know when you flush the toilet and it sorta gives everything a good stir but doesn’t go down? That.” D) “Waking up in a bus station next to an empty can of keyboard duster.”
5. There were some tense moments at the Little Rock Zoo last week. What caused the commotion? A) Sometimes rhinos just fall out of love. It’s nobody’s fault. It just happens. B) “See that big bulge in the python? Don’t ask.” C) A Clouded Leopard wormed through a feeding slot and into an enclosed service area, but was soon recaptured without danger to the public. D) Zoo staff members finally came to blows over whether zebras are black with white stripes or white with black stripes.
ANSWERS: C, A, D, B, C