Tiny Tim, we hardly knew ye. U.S. Rep. Tim Griffin announced earlier this week that he will not seek another term after four years in Congress. It’s been a rough year for the congressman, between his role in the hideously unpopular government shutdown, a disaster in Mayflower that made his Exxon-funded pipeline cheerleading a bit awkward, and finally a tweet calling for Democrats to “stop the violent rhetoric” in the midst of reports of shots fired on Capitol Hill, which earned national condemnation. Was it all too much? Well, who knows why he’s leaving (we know, we know, he wants to spend more time with his family). But what will he do next? We checked with our bookie and here are the current odds on Griffin’s next move.
2-1 D.C. Lobbying Gig.
5-1 Heads up new think tank funded by shady, rich libertarians. Relative to lowly congressman, this new appointment ups his bank account and his influence on Capitol Hill.
10-1 Named chairman of Republican National Committee in wake of GOP panic after disappointing showing in 2014 mid-terms, including losing Griffin’s seat.
12-1 Turns out that what he meant by “spend more time with my family” was actually spend more time on Twitter. Buys police scanner, live-tweets area shootings with complaints about Obama.
15-1 Hired by ExxonMobil, company issues vague statement on his role.
30-1 Hired by Fox News to do oppo research for Karl Rove’s commentary. Newsroom complains that Tim and Karl won’t stop shouting “the boys are back in town!”
50-1 Jumps in the Republican primary for Arkansas governor, co-opting Asa’s exclamation point with “Timmeh!” signs.
100-1 Secures venture capital from Koch Brothers to start Griffin’s Liberal Voter Cages. Keep ’em away from the polls the old fashioned way: in a cage!™
125-1 Stars in a new sitcom with former U.S. Attorney Bud Cummins called “Who You Know, Not What You Know.”
500-1 Spends all day in his garage building birdhouses while muttering about how historians will see George W. Bush as a misunderstood genius someday.
1,000-1 Shirtless posterboy for ExxonMobil’s new fragrance, Eau de Mayflower
5,000-1 After publication of his confessional memoir “I Know Why the Caging Turd Sings,” a repentant Griffin sends apologies, by direct mail, to African American voters in Jacksonville, Fla., for targeting them for ballot challenges.
10,000-1 Takes over the Zack Galifianakis role in “The Hangover IV.”