1) Nine white supremacists were among 35 people rounded up in a series of gun and drug raids in Pope and Yell counties Oct. 11, with state and federal cops seizing 69 firearms, $70,000 in alleged drug money and 25 pounds of methamphetamines. What was law enforcement’s code name for the operation?
A) “Operation Make the Trailer Park Great Again.”
B) “Operation Chlorinate the Gene Pool.”
C) “Operation Family Trees That Don’t Fork.”
D) “Operation to the Dirt,” a take on an Aryan slogan for groups whose members proclaim they’ll be in racist groups until they die.
2) A man bicycling in the wilds of southeastern Pulaski County had an interesting experience recently. What, according to police, happened?
A) The sun refracted off the seat of his shiny spandex bike shorts, blinding a truck driver, who crashed.
B) He got a tip on his stolen bike and took the bus to San Antonio, only to find that The Alamo doesn’t actually have a basement.
C) Attempted a Suicide No Hand, but only managed a Toothpick Hangover 180.
D) A man allegedly ran him over with his car and then threatened him with a machete after the bicyclist sprayed the man’s dogs with a water bottle when they attacked him.
3) Rumors abound that U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton is being considered for a possible spot in the Trump administration. What’s the job for which he is supposedly being considered?
A) President Trump’s neck fat massager.
B) Jared Kushner’s purse dog wrangler.
C) Personal bodyguard to the president, which is appropriate, given that Cotton is a remorseless, unfeeling cyborg sent back in time by future racists and reprogrammed to protect Trump at all costs.
D) Director of the CIA.
4) Reveal, the website of the Center for Investigative Reporting, recently released a bombshell report about CAAIR, a rehab facility in northeastern Oklahoma that apparently accepted at least some residents of Arkansas after they were sentenced to drug treatment by courts. What, according to the report, was the facility’s big secret?
A) It was originally started by a group of chicken company executives who were desperate to find workers for their chicken plants.
B) It was a work camp, with those sentenced to attend “treatment” there forced into what amounted to slave labor, working long shifts gutting and processing chickens.
C) Former workers said that many of those who got hurt and couldn’t work were soon bounced to prison, with administrators filing for and keeping any worker’s compensation payments.
D) All of the above
5) The Arkansas State Police recently released draft guidelines for the eight-hour “advanced certification” course Arkansans will have to pass if they want to take advantage of a new law that allows them to bring their shootin’ irons into bars and college campuses. Which of the following is a proposed requirement of the ASP guidelines?
A) Those seeking the certification must demonstrate proficiency in conceiving and delivering an appropriate one-liner before firing, with examples including “Reach for it, Bucko!” “Your move, Libtard!” and “Where’s your science now, Egghead?”
B) The ability to shoot a hole through the center of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Vol. 5 at 50 paces.
C) Applicants must write, from memory, a complete synopsis of each of the films in the “Death Wish” series.
D) Instruction on how to deal with “emergent situations” such as active shooter scenarios. Inconsequential News Quiz: Big Bed Bug Bux Edition Play on your way to Yellowstone!
1) A beloved Arkansas celebrity passed away last week at the age of 75. Who was it?
A) Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
B) Were you born in Septober or Octember?
C) Rootie Kazootie! Wowie Kazow!
D) Gary Weir, who famously portrayed Bozo the Clown on television in Central Arkansas for 25-plus years.
2) The Los Angeles Times reported recently that an Arkansas family won a judgment of $546,000 in their lawsuit over an issue they experienced in 2013. What was the lawsuit about?
A) Bedbug bites they received while staying at a Hilton Hotel in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif.
B) A hideous, pumpkin-headed scarecrow they bought at Halloween Express that started shouting racist diatribes turned out to be Donald Trump.
C) Injury from drinking a gallon of liquid detergent because the “Do Not Drink” warning on the label was too small.
D) The AR-15 assault rifle they purchased at Academy Sports fired only glowing pink beams of pure love.
3) A Hempstead County judge got in hot water recently over a decision he made. What was it?
A) Scattered granola and flaxseed instead of sand on icy roads last December, leading to a record hippie infestation.
B) Squandered $600,000 in county funds to stage the failed Mouthsplosion Music Festival, a three-day celebration of the jaw harp.
C) Added a hint of spicy chipotle and lime to the county water supply.
D) Drove a $65,000 truck the county had purchased for his official use on a personal vacation to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming — a roundtrip of over 2,900 miles.
4) Governor Hutchinson may have a challenger in the 2018 Republican primary for governor who is farther on the right than he is. Who is it?
A) A life-sized cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan, which is expected to easily beat Hutchinson in the charisma department.
B) Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway), who has promised that, if elected, he will provide the state with free electricity by building a hellish “Matrix”-style power plant full of comatose gay people.
C) Jan Morgan, the Hot Springs Second Amendment advocate who infamously declared her gun range a “Muslim-free zone” in 2014.
D) Rep. Jedidiah Pecker (R-Merkin Fork), who is running on a platform that includes bringing to justice the Antifa/Black Lives Matter infiltrators who wish to “sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”
5) City Director Doris Wright was lucky to escape serious injury after crashing her open VW Beetle convertible near 15th and Battery streets in Little Rock last week. What caused the accident?
A) She was startled when she opened a previously unnoticed compartment in the console and found the bleached bones of a stowaway German.
B) Earth, Wind & Fire’s “Boogie Wonderland” came on the radio and she was momentarily stupefied by the powerful groove.
C) After hitting 88 miles an hour and unexpectedly jumping back in time to 1957, she ran over a wayward Klansman who was on his way to menace children at Central High.
D) A man ran