Play in South Arkansas on your Arkansas Times-provided iPad!

1) The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, the state’s largest newspaper, recently announced a change that’s coming Feb. 11. What’s the change?

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A) The obituary section will be renamed “Who’s Dead Who Ain’t Me?”

B) In an attempt to appeal to the preferences of millennial readers, newspapers will now be delivered directly to trashcans.

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C) The paper will end delivery of all but the Sunday print edition to subscribers, retailers and coin-operated paper boxes in five South Arkansas counties.

D) The features section will henceforth be 18,000 words of obscure Philip Martin musings and the “Garfield” comic strip.

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2) With the Dem-Gaz ending delivery of all but the Sunday paper, how does it propose to get the day’s news to paid subscribers in South Arkansas?

A) Big van with a giant megaphone on top.

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B) Publisher Walter E. Hussman Jr. will make a daily, pre-dawn visit to the homes of all South Arkansas subscribers until they get so creeped out they ask him to stop.

C) Every subscribing household will be provided with a new Apple iPad that includes a subscription to the online version of the Dem-Gaz — a plan that is cheaper than printing the news on paper and delivering it to each subscriber’s driveway or doorstep.

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D) Peyote-induced telepathy.

3) As seen in a dramatic video, firefighters with the Fayetteville Fire Department recently rushed to the rescue of two local residents in northeast Fayetteville. What was the trouble?

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A) Black Friday knife fight at Fred’s over the last discount waffle maker.

B) No idea, but they did it in slow motion while dramatic music played.

C) Two large buck deer got their horns locked together while fighting in a backyard, and firefighters had to resort to sawing off an antler to free the exhausted but apparently unharmed combatants.

D) A crew cleaning out the old home of former Razorback football coach Bret Bielema found a bunch of nudie shots of him, leading to life-threatening projectile vomiting,

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4) When the final votes were tallied in a recent runoff election for a seat on the Hoxie City Council, in Lawrence County, it was revealed that challenger Cliff Farmer and incumbent Becky Linebaugh had tied 223-223. According to the Lawrence County clerk, how do officials plan to decide the election?

A) Smoking guns at dawn.

B) Interpretive farting contest.

C) They’ll draw lots on Dec. 13, with chance deciding the winner.

D) Winner-takes-all lawnmower race at the local fairgrounds.

5) News of a cruel twist soon emerged from the tied race between Farmer and Linebaugh in Hoxie. What was it?

A) Farmer and Linebaugh were best friends … until that fateful summer when bad boy Johnny Dalton came to town. Then everything changed … .

B) DNA testing Linebaugh had performed to prove her pure Hoxite bloodline revealed she is actually 31 percent Walnut Ridgite, leading to her immediate banishment from Hoxie.

C) Farmer, delayed by a trip that kept him out of town until after the polls closed, wasn’t able to cast what would have been the tie-breaking vote for himself.

D) Donald Trump has already prepared two tweets so he can quickly mock the loser the minute the race is decided.

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