1) Recently there was some news about the Pegasus Pipeline, which has been mothballed since the line ruptured in March 2013 and inundated a residential neighborhood in Mayflower with tens of thousands of gallons of crude oil. What’s the news?
A) The repaired pipeline is now used exclusively to move brown gravy to KFC restaurants nationwide.
B) Exxon released a statement saying that, in hindsight, it was really embarrassed about “that whole localized environmental apocalypse thing back in 2013.”
C) As part of a legal settlement, anyone who got cancer from the spill can get a free box of donut holes at any participating Exxon truck stop (some restrictions apply).
D) The company that purchased the line in 2016 informed Central Arkansas Water that the pipeline is being tested and inspected, suggesting that it may eventually be returned to service.
2) Former University of Arkansas football coach Bret Bielema recently got a new job. What’s the former head Hog doing now?
A) Full-time Fred Flintstone cosplayer.
B) He’s the new editor-in-chief of Portly Unshaven Schlub Monthly.
C) He and Chad Morris are joining the World Wrestling Federation as tag-team heels The $20 Million Dollar Losers.
D) He signed on as a member of the coaching staff for the New York Giants.
3) A sign of the ongoing financial troubles experienced by shopping malls nationwide was recently on display at West Little Rock’s 340,000-square-foot Promenade at Chenal shopping center. What happened?
A) The Apple store there had to downgrade its Genius Bar to a Did OK For Bryant High School Bar.
B) Every shoe at DSW is now tethered to a cinderblock with a chain.
C) Snatch-and-grab shoplifters felt so sorry for the owners that they’ve started returning stuff.
D) According to a story in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, the shopping center — reportedly valued at $79 million when it opened in 2008 — recently sold for $10 in cash “in lieu of foreclosure.”
4) Candayce Tabron, 33, of Little Rock was recently sentenced to seven years in prison after pleading guilty to several charges related to a September 2018 drive-by shooting in Little Rock. According to police, which of the following was a real aspect of the case?
A) The drive-by was in retaliation over a playground argument between Tabron’s 8-year-old son and the victim’s 8-year-old son and was allegedly committed while Tabron’s two kids, ages 8 and 13, were in the backseat.
B) While investigating the case, detectives found two spent 9-millimeter shell casings at the scene, and later found a third, matching shell casing in Tabron’s bra when she was searched following her arrest.
C) At the time of the shooting, Tabron was on probation related to a November 2014 incident in which she bit the owner of a Roosevelt Road beauty supply shop after allegedly being caught shoplifting hair extensions.
D) All of the above.
5) Robert Campbell, a member of the Arkansas State Plant Board since 2015, resigned from his seat in a hurry recently. What was the cause for his resignation?
A) He had pleaded guilty to one count of assault with a deadly zucchini.
B) He was found to have been harboring a talking, man-eating extraterrestrial plant named Audrey 2.
C) He’s entering rehab for a dicamba-huffing addiction.
D) He posted an ill-advised video to Twitter, apparently filmed while he was driving, in which he said that a man he met at a gas station had offered him free beer in exchange for touching him inappropriately — an offer Campbell said he had refused.
6) UA Little Rock is taking drastic measures in an attempt to make up for millions in projected budget shortfalls, with Chancellor Christina Drale recently asking UA System trustees to allow the university to do something unprecedented to save money. What did Drale ask to do?
A) Between semesters, all UA Little Rock freshmen will be leased to the state Department of Transportation as indentured road crew workers.
B) The school’s Ottenheimer Library will be henceforth be known as the Colonial Wine and Spirits/Flyway Brewing Library and Beer Garden.
C) English majors will cut out the middleman and be assigned fast-food jobs upon enrollment, with their wages payable directly to UA Little Rock.
D) She’s seeking permission to lay off tenured faculty members.
7) The Little Rock School District recently closed all schools in the district for two days, citing a flu epidemic as the reason. According to those in the know, what was the real reason for the unexpected two-day holiday?
A) Trump’s ongoing trade war has caused nationwide chalk shortages.
B) Superintendent Michael Poore went in for his yearly noggin wax-and-polish and that takes time, man.
C) Somebody dropped a deuce in a urinal at Central High, and a districtwide taskforce was called together to root out the culprit.
D) Over 250 teachers and staff simultaneously called in sick, likely as part of a “sick out” to protest union-busting and other anti-LRSD efforts by the state Board of Education.
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D, D, D