Play at home, while staring into the abyss, which also stares into you.
1) Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee recently broke through wall-to-wall coronavirus coverage with news of his involvement in a federal court matter. What was that about?
- A) A father-son dispute between Mike and John Mark Huckabee over who was the true inventor of “Shark Tank”-favorite Huckabee’s Fat Again Slacks (“The Slacks With a Drawstring!”).
- B) A desperate attempt by neighbors to stop Huckabee from nude sunbathing on his deck during the coronavirus quarantine.
- C) Jesus Christ filed for a restraining order against Huckabee because He’s tired of people assuming they’re friends.
- D) Huckabee was one of 14 property owners who sued Walton County, Fla., because the county’s emergency closure of beaches to help stop the spread of coronavirus had cut off beach access, including the beach in front of Huckabee’s multi-million-dollar waterfront mansion. A judge denied Huckabee’s attempts to get back to sand and surf.
2) Officials in Arkansas have been working overtime in recent weeks trying to save reckless idiots from themselves during the coronavirus epidemic. Which of the following are real stories of officials taking drastic measures to keep the dumb safe?
- A) The National Park Service had to close the Buffalo National River to the public after thousands of morons from all over the country swarmed the area and made social distancing there impossible, even outdoors.
- B) Mayor Frank Scott Jr. of Little Rock had to issue a warning and beef up the city’s curfew after large crowds of weekend revelers congregated in a parking lot at the intersection of University Avenue and Colonel Glenn Road, allegedly holding burnout contests and drag races with their cars.
- C) The Arkansas Department of Health had to try to track down around 40 people who attended a “Quarantine Party” at a Russellville home where one of the residents exposed to coronavirus was isolating. The resident later tested positive for the virus.
- D) All of the above.
3) A few weeks back, police in the Lonoke County town of Austin announced the closing of a big case. What was it?
- A) They dropped charges filed against a woman who had allegedly chopped up her husband and fed him to one of her many big cats, citing a lack of evidence other than a man’s watch embedded in a dried tiger turd.
- B) A rash of banshee and sasquatch sightings in the area turned out to be local residents who had not been able to visit barbershops and hair salons due to the coronavirus lockdown.
- C) They arrested several elderly Trump supporters who had sought to “own the libs” by photographing themselves licking handrails, stripper poles and public restroom door knobs.
- D) They successfully recaptured a kangaroo that was on the loose after escaping from a Mobile Petting Zoo.
4) Citing the coronavirus epidemic, the state recently announced something that will be of benefit to the 47,000 Arkansans and counting with a card that allows them to buy, possess and use medical marijuana. What did the state do?
- A) The state is now offering free online classes on how to roll a joint that doesn’t come out looking like a witch’s finger.
- B) Officials reported that a patch of cannabis grown on the grounds of the Nuclear One power plant near Russellville allows those who smoke it to manipulate the fabric of time.
- C) They announced that a recent study by Dr. Calvin Broadus of the University of California at Long Beach found that the quality of cannabis grown in Arkansas has improved dramatically in the last six months, with random samples now averaging 31 percent more sticky and 49 percent more icky.
- D) For the duration of the crisis, expiration dates on medical marijuana cards have been suspended, and doctors are allowed to approve new patients for cards through no-contact “telehealth” sessions.
5) With the quarantine-driven smash success of Netflix’s docu-series “Tiger King,” reporters reached out to Turpentine Creek Wildlife Refuge near Eureka Springs — a 450-acre nonprofit that takes in and rehabilitates many previously exploited, neglected and trafficked big cats — to ask the owners’ opinion on the documentary and its incarcerated star, Joseph Allen “Joe Exotic” Maldonado-Passage. What was their take on Joe?
- A) That somebody probably should have taken away his Hot Topic Credit Card a looooong time ago.
- B) That marriage should be between one man and one woman, or one heavily armed gay man and the two guys he enticed into marrying him with tigers and street drugs.
- C) That based on that tiger who tried to eat Joe’s foot on camera, the dude has some delicious feet.
- D) They kinda hate his ass, calling him an “animal exploiter” who only uses big cats to make money. TWIST: All you cool cats and kittens will be glad to hear the refuge approves of Carole Baskin and her organization Big Cat Rescue, which they called “a true sanctuary” that has worked to end the exotic animal trade.
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D