Play at home, while trying not to cry again today.
1) Jennifer Porter, 27, of Fort Smith, was arrested in early May after a chase in which Porter, behind the wheel of a heavy-duty Dodge Ram 4×4 pickup, was caught on police dashcam video using the truck to demolish a Sebastian County sheriff’s SUV and batter three Arkansas State Police cruisers before being forced into a high-speed spinout and arrested. As seen in the video, what did the woman tell police as she was cuffed and stuffed?
- A) “That Ram really lived up to its name, huh?”
- B) “I had to run! Y’all were chasing me!”
- C) “Better call Saul!”
- D) “I didn’t intend on all this destruction. I’m just going through a lotta crap.”
2) Speaking of the law, a recent ruling by the Arkansas Court of Appeals was applauded by fans of the Arkansas Freedom of Information Act, which gives the press and public access to government-produced information and documents. What was the ruling?
- A) Governor Hutchinson must hand over the secret recipe for his famous 11-Layer Buffalo Enchilada Nacho Dip to Arkansas Times Senior Editor Max Brantley in time for Max’s July 4th cookout.
- B) North Little Rock officials broke the law when they discussed city business during lengthy “toilet conferences” from adjoining bathroom stalls.
- C) Former White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders must reveal the contract she signed with Satan, giving the Dark Lord her immortal soul in exchange for leaving the White House without a federal indictment, congressional subpoena or tweet from Trump calling her a loser who he didn’t even really know that well.
- D) The court ruled that citizens may take pictures of government documents with their cell phones, allowing them to forgo fees charged for photocopying.
3) Speaking of Satan and courtroom action, Satanic Temple founder Lucien Greaves, whose organization is in court fighting for the right to install an 8-foot bronze statue of the goat-headed demigod Baphomet on the Arkansas State Capitol grounds as a counter to Sen. Jason Rapert’s Ten Commandments Monument, recently released pages from a deposition transcript in the case on his Twitter feed. Which of the following was a real detail from the testimony?
- A) Satanic Temple members in good standing are allowed to call Satan by his real first name: Steve.
- B) Greaves is an avid collector of My Little Pony toys.
- C) A revamped design for the Baphomet statue will include a hidden camera and speaker in the chest, so Greaves can use a scary voice to quiz passing Republicans about the First Amendment’s separation of church and state.
- D) After Greaves told an attorney he wasn’t sure what “BDSM” stands for, the attorney said: “[J]ust guessing here, but: Bondage, Domination and Sadomasochism?” To which Greaves replied: “I don’t think you’re guessing.”
4) Speaking of BDSM and what it means, the recent online real estate listing for a seemingly ordinary house in Van Buren raised a few eyebrows the other day. What was different about the house?
- A) In the listing, the real estate agent says the house is “50 shades of great!”
- B) The house has a hidden doorway behind a bookcase, like something out of a “Scooby-Doo” TV episode.
- C) Behind the secret door is a fully outfitted sin den, complete with a neon-lit bar, blood red walls, a stripper pole and several pieces of sturdy bondage furniture, including a human-sized cage and a large, X-shaped St. Andrew’s cross.
- D) All of the above.
5) Speaking of stripper poles, in the listing for the house discussed above, what term did the agent who wrote the listing for the house use instead of “stripper pole”?
- A) “Vertical harlot support.”
- B) “College tuition attainment device.”
- C) “Minimalist monkey bar.”
- D) “Entertainment pole.”
6) Speaking of sticky ways to earn money, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette recently talked to the co-owner of Hurts Donuts in downtown Little Rock about a new approach the shop is taking to weather the coronavirus epidemic. What is it?
- A) It’s stopped putting holes in their donuts because people have enough deep, dark abysses to stare into right now.
- B) Its best seller is currently a donut sterilized in 1,400-degree lard before being hermetically sealed in a lead-lined box.
- C) It recently introduced a donut called The Trumpocalypse, which is a flavorless, undercooked lump of dough covered in thick orange icing and filled with nothing but hot air.
- D) It’s started delivering donuts in the Hurts “Emergency Donut Vehicle,” a retrofitted ambulance that was previously used as a rolling billboard at parades and festivals.
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D, D