Play at home, while not worrying about what Joe Biden is saying on Twitter.
1) As if 2020 wasn’t bad enough already, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee made the local news in December. What is it this time?
A) He’s ready to launch phase 2 of the Mike Huckabee’s “Fat Again Slacks” story: Mike Huckabee’s “Fat Again Jackets (The Jackets With 30 Percent Lycra!).”
B) He recently had to rush to Arkansas when his daughter, former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was so distraught by President Trump’s election loss that she couldn’t stop lying.
C) He was in Little Rock to announce that he, Kid Rock and Ted Nugent are forming a new MAGA-themed supergroup called The Shits and Giggles.
D) He’s moving back to Central Arkansas, Lord help us, saying he’ll sell the $3 million beachfront mansion near Destin, Fla., where he and wife Janet have resided for over a decade.
2) The Little Rock Zoo recently announced a name has been chosen for an endangered African Penguin chick born at the zoo. What’s the name?
A) Zandor, Destroyer of Worlds.
B) Chillary Clinton.
C) Penguin McPenguinface.
D) Little Rocky.
3) The first shipments of a long-awaited COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Arkansas in mid-December. According to health department plans, which group will receive the vaccine first?
A) People whose last name begins with W through Z for a change.
B) The true heroes of the pandemic: liquor store delivery drivers.
C) Unmasked assholes in MAGA hats, who will be personally darted from a helicopter by a maniacally cackling Dr. Anthony Fauci.
D) Hospital workers, including doctors, nurses and COVID-related support staff.
4) In slightly more consequential news, Arkansas-based Tyson Foods recently announced that it had fired seven managers at a Tyson plant in Waterloo, Iowa. Why were the seven given pink slips?
A) A rash of reports in which McDonald’s McRib patties produced at the plant gained sentience and tried to crawl away.
B) Nuggets made there were found to contain 33 percent more than the FDA’s recommended daily allowance of chicken cloacas.
C) A June incident in which 18 pigs shimmied under a fence before hot-wiring a bus and escaping to a free-range vegan farm near Iowa City.
D) An independent investigation alleged they had a betting pool on how many of the plant’s over 1,000 employees would become infected with COVID-19 during a springtime outbreak that led to at least six deaths.
5) By the time you read this, it’ll be 2021 and a COVID-19 vaccine will, one hopes, be well on its way to an arm near you, barring hell or high water. What’s your plan once you get a vaccine?
A) Hug everybody. Like … EVERYBODY.
B) You know how before the virus, we used to drink in bars and listen to live music and stuff, and sometimes you’d stay up way too late, getting so hammered that you’d hold hands with a stranger for a bit at some point, have an argument about a guitarist or something and then wake up on an unfamiliar couch with your mouth tasting like a truck stop, missing a shoe, with your pants on wrong side out? That. I’ve really missed that.
C) “I’m sorry, but the first rule of Fight Club is: Don’t talk about Fight Club.”
D) All of the above.