It is a well known fact that Santa Claus is a big fan of the SEC and will certainly not forget the conference as he begins to make his rounds tonight. What isn’t as well known, until now, is that Santa has shared with Razorbackexpats.com what he’ll be leaving under the conference’s tree in Birmingham, Alabama. If you have an idea of whatelse Santa should include besides what you find below, please put that in the comment section, for we hear that Santa is also a big fan of the site and checks it often, that is when he is not checking on who has been naughty or nice.
Haircare Products: For Arkansas’ own Courtney Fortson. If like Samson his power is in his hair, all Razorback fans want to see his dreads well taken care of.
A DVD of the 2004 SEC Championship Game: For Auburn fans as they might want to look towards their past for the forseeable future in regard to football thrills and comforts. With Gene Chizik at the helm and Nick Saban and the Tide on the rise, Auburn fans will enjoy seeing their Tigers win the SEC again, again, again, again, and again as long as they stay in 2004.
Ten Free Sessions of Family Counseling: Tennessee’s fans asked Santa for this once they heard that Monte Kiffin would be working for his inexperienced son as the Vols’ defensive coordinator. This working relationship is bound to have its bumps on Rocky Top in the seasons ahead.
A Time Machine: For Darren McFadden at the request of Arkansas fans. Darren McFadden can go back in time to play his senior year at Arkansas, get the Hogs to a bowl game, win said game, and then get drafted by a team other than the Oakland Raiders.
A New Pair of Angel Wings: Is it really true that everytime a bell rings, Tim Tebow gets a new pair of wings? Florida fans think so, for they have rung some bells and have asked Santa for some new wings for Tebow, so this most sanctified college football player by the media (yeah, I am looking at you Gary Danielson) can fly over the OU defense when he isn’t running through it.
The Name and Number of a Good Money Manager: For the millionaires who just got richer, Phil Fulmer and Tommy Tuberville, they could use someone in these dangerous economic times to wisely guide them in where to put their money.
A Tape of the 2004 Cotton Bowl: Requested by Ole Miss fans who have paid attention to Houston Nutt’s bowl record and this year’s Texas Tech team. That Manning boy will lead them to victory over Oklahoma State again, again, and again as long as the rewind button keeps working in Oxford.
A Pair of Rose Colored Glasses: A gift to Nolan Richardson from Arkansas fans who would like him to remember the good times more clearly than the bad times at Arkansas as he soon comes out of his exile and back into the fold of Bud Walton arena.
A Pair of Concrete Blocks for Shoes: For Michael Smith, Trenton Holiday, Knowshon Moreno, Julio Jones, and Percy Harvin, from various SEC fans across the conference.
An Airline Ticket to Ann Arbor, Michigan: Requested by both some LSU fans and nearly all Michigan fans for Les “The Hat” Miles.
A Copy of the SEC Rule Against Artificial Noise Makers: For the SEC Main Office. Requested by all SEC schools outside of Starkville, Mississippi.
Money for Cab Fare: For Vanderbilt fans who want to head across the Cumberland river to see the Dores play BC in the Music City Bowl. Santa didn’t have anything to transport them out from under the cruel cloud of irony that Vanderbilt seems to play under. After decades they get a bowl game, but it is one in their own town.
Floppy Fedoras: For the Alabama fans who are looking for a Nick Saban clothing item to wear. Saban wears these only during practices, but that’s good enough for Bama fans who are already lining up for their Nick Saban tattoos.
A Good Excuse: For Steve Spurrier who is no doubt looking for a good excuse to leave South Carolina for the golf course and not look like a washed-up-has-been while doing so. Santa is thinking a mild health problem that is still serious enough to force a retirement, but not so serious as to hurt Spurrier’s golf swing.
Framed Photographs of the Catch: For Casey Dick and London Crawford. A few inches here, a few inches there, and those six points don’t happen. But it all did happen, and Santa is going to make sure they have something to always remember that touchdown. But Santa warns that naughty behavior will get it taken away from them. Just ask Matt Jones where his picture of the Miracle on Markham I is right now.
A Pair of Razorback Earrings: For my mother who lost one of her earrings during the celebration of Miracle on Markham II. Actually, this gift has already appeared under KevinHog’s Christmas tree. Merry Christmas, Mom!
And a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday Season to all the Hogs, Gators, Tigers, Tigers, Gamecocks, Rebels, Bulldogs, Bulldogs, Vols, Dores, Wildcats, and Tiders out there in SEC Land. There’s not a better conference to be associated with. Santa told me so himself. Or was that Verne Lundquist?
(more at www.razorbackexpats.com)