The Christmas season comes a little earlier every year, which means that the godless communists who emerge to fight the annual War on Christmas™ must also get out of bed a little earlier. That must be why their first strike this year was a particularly insidious one: the Starbucks Christmas cup. People are saying the minimalist design is a dark ploy to remove the true meaning of the holiday from the world, and they’ve begun calling for boycotts on social media. Even desiccated Oompa Loompa and Presidential candidate Donald Trump has expressed limited support for such a boycott—and now, we here at Eat Arkansas are doing the same.
Boycott Starbucks. Please.
Boycott them for the over-roasted pig bile they have the audacity to call “coffee.” Boycott them for the artery-clogging caffeinated milkshakes that have as much to do with real coffee as Apple Jacks cereal has to do with apples. Boycott them for the stale, limp pastries they serve. Boycott them for making some drinks from concentrates and not fresh. Boycott them for the guy in front of you who thinks the extra shot in his iced caramel macchiato somehow makes that better. Hell, you can even boycott them for not being brave enough to use their original PG-13 logo. And yes, if a plain red cup is what it takes to boycott Starby’s, then I am on your side.
There are other places, better places, to get coffee. Like River City Coffee and Mylo Coffee Co., both in Hillcrest. Or the Capital Hotel, which uses locally roasted Leiva’s Coffee exclusively. I’ve grown fond lately of stopping into Andina Roastery down on 3rd for a cup of their go-juice, and it’s tasty and fresh. Mugs Cafe in North Little Rock makes one of the best iced coffees I’ve had, and you can sample their breakfast tacos to boot. Up in Northwest Arkansas, Arsaga’s, Onyx or Mama Carmen’s will all do you right and keep you away from the atheist mermaid.
We stand with you in these troubled times, America. Christmas is a time of giving, so why not give back to your community by getting your morning jolt at a local joint? If we stand together, we can drive these Christmas-hating swill servers back to Seattle where they belong. Good luck, and God speed.