BRASHER: So you have heard and no doubt heeded our cautionary tales of Arkansas’ diamonds, but now the time has come to look at the diamond’s chill rock cousin: crystals. Maybe you have a chill rock cousin Crystal? It’s probably a similar deal. To get to the bottom of what is up with crystals, though, you got to go where they are born and that place is near Hot Springs, Arkansas. Hot Springs is a beautiful centrally located national park that is also perfect for your next convention, especially if your convention is completely bizarre spiritual geology.

ROWE: I hail from the great town of Hot Springs. I am not embedded within the city, but the city is embedded within me. Hot Springs is a town where the afflicted come to be comforted and where grifters come to meet the afflicted. Also, all of Arkansas’s lawyers meet there for the Arkansas Bar Association annual meeting. This is not a juxtaposition joke, it is just an unfortunate segue about how Hot Springs hosts conventions, among them several about new age, metaphysical pseudoscience.


BRASHER: The Earth Keeper Sacred ARK 2015 annual crystal conference was held in Hot Springs just last month, and while it’s a bummer we so narrowly missed it at least we found out about it in time to prepare for next year’s geological throwdown and get our … stuff … ready for … the energy … or whatever. This past year’s featured guests included such luminaries as: Standing Elk, Lama Cris, and a dude called Tyberonn aka Archangel Metatron, all of whom sound like prime candidates to have rap battled Busy Bee at Harlem World 1981

ROWE: If these guys were in foam suits we’d feel the need to give them a Saturday morning cartoon show. If you give them a crowd of people looking for answers, they get weird five-hour YouTube videos with prog graphics.


BRASHER: According to what are I guess experts on this type of thing, our state contains a “powerful crystal vortex” around the Hot Springs area. That certainly sounds awesome, because we for real need all the powerful stuff we can get, but what does that really mean? After researching it I’m still not quite sure, but soothing wooden flute music is definitely the soundtrack to whatever it is. 

ROWE: I’ll not have you diminish the work of Zamfir or the pan flute on these Internet pages. Here is a video of Zamfir.


BRASHER: Who knew we were just sitting on tons of Atlantean Temple Crystals? Atlantean, no not like from Atlanta (although crystal from Atlanta is probably a better time) but from Atlantis, the underwater city. If a blogger going by the handle Atla-Ra can be believed, it was a piezo electrical pulse of energy from these Atlantean crystals that killed all those blackbirds in Beebe on New Years last year. The Crystals also were apparently responsible for a green magnetic fog on Mount Magazine, and some earthquakes, too. Wait up, I thought these were supposed to be good crystals, not some kind of electrical death ray sitting out on our geologic nightstand with the safety off while the neighbor kids are playing?

ROWE: Tyberonn says, “By the 23rd century, magnificent Crystalline Temples will have been built around the Crysto-Sun Disc of Pinnacle Mountain, and the Temple Crystal locations of Mount Magi, Wilhelmina, Hot Springs and Eureka Springs.” Here we are with another developer, promising Hot Springs some new development that will be transcendent. Is there going to be a Ripley’s Believe it or Not in the Crysto-Sun Disc temple? Will the temple be put in the old Vapors nightclub? Maybe they can put it in the southern anchor store at the carpeted Hot Springs Mall, fulfilling the prophecy of regional chain locations: Montgomery Ward to Stage to Belk to Dicks Sporting Goods to Goody’s Family Clothing to Temple Crystal of the Crysto-Sun. Alta-Ra has forseen it.

BRASHER: Coming soon: Fairfield Bay Atlantean Crystal Temple Golf Course and Pro Shop. Brothers and Sisters, are you prepared to hear the good news? What if I told you there was someone who loved you? A powerful being that cares very deeply for you? Well fam you are in luck because there is just such a person and we all can have a personal relationship with him. His name is Kryon and he is an alien channeled by Lee Carroll PHD. He freaking loves crystals too and he loves doing terrestrial and extraterrestrial things in Hot Springs.

ROWE: Lee Carroll thankfully lives in San Diego, but he knows a good crowd in Hot Springs is waiting to hear from him. Did you know that he and his wife popularized the concept of INDIGO CHILDREN? If you’ve ever wanted to terrify a mother and child out in public in a way that will baffle police, just talk about how the child is INDIGO and that you can tell auras. Go on about how the child’s aura is special. I think this scam works best near Eureka Springs, the creepier, more confining version of Hot Springs. 


BRASHER: True story: I have actually been to a crystal mine kind of near Hot Springs. Okay it wasn’t a mine exactly, more like a dirt pile that had been pushed around by a backhoe. It was pretty rewarding honestly. Unlike diamond mining where you’re out in a sweltering field all day looking at tiny rocks like “Is this a diamond? Nah. Could this be a diamond?” Crystal mining is basically walking up to a hill of clay and grabbing whatever gigantic quartz crystals sticking out of it look cool. It takes like 30 minutes tops. If that sounds too involved you can probably find some in the parking lot, that is just how easy it is. Downside is then you own a bunch of crystals. I mean even now we have all these big freaking crystals in our house just chilling, being powerful, maybe killing blackbirds. I encourage everyone to go check it out if you have time. 

ROWE: I’m looking forward to the convention where participants debate whether or not John Deere, Caterpillar or Case backhoes are the best way to get to the crystal vortex, and if gambling (nay, games of skill) will be allowed within the Temple Crystal. That would be the perfect marriage of all things Hot Springs.

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